As human beings we are curious. It’s understandable. However, there are times when our curiosity gets the better of us. We understand your curiosity when it comes to someone’s sexuality and you probably want to know out of the goodness of your heart.
For straight folks, you might have a suspicion that one of your colleagues, family members or friends is gay and you might be wondering if it’s ok for you to go ahead and ask them if they are gay. We understand the desire to know.
If you are gay and are curious whether or not it is ok to be asked if you are gay, you are also in the right place. Finally, if you have yourself a gay crush and are wondering if you can ask someone about their sexual orientation, it’s natural that you will also have this conundrum – is it ok to ask someone if they are gay?
We get it. We really do. We wish everyone walked around wearing name tags. On these tags would be their name, their zodiac sign (Your Zodiac?) and their age (your age?). It might even include their Myers Briggs personality (ENFJ)!?
But this is not the reality. So in this article we will look at whether or not it’s ok to ask someone if they are gay and the nuances of these situations.
Short Answer
It’s generally not advised to point blank ask someone if they are gay. Asking someone if they are gay is a very personal and private. At best, it is a gauche – socially awkward and inappropriate.
A Simple Question Right? Not Really!
For most of us it’s not. Even though we all wish to live in a world where someones sexual orientation wouldn’t matter, asking someone if they are gay is not the same as asking someone if they are straight. In fact, you probably wouldn’t ask someone if they are straight because you probably assume they are. This is called heteronormativity, which is the social assumption that everyone is heterosexual and that this is the ‘norm.’
Based on this assumption, everyone is deemed ‘straight’ unless they ‘come out.’’ And unlike being gay, being straight is fully accepted everywhere and being straight has no stigma around it. Whereas queer people all around the world face discrimination. This discrimination is sometimes ugly and hateful. Sometimes it’s even violent. This can make it scary for gay people to disclose their sexual orientation to people they don’t know very well. In some cases it is even illegal to ask someone if they are gay, for example in an interview at work or if you are the persons boss or teacher. More about this in my article about getting outed at work.
As a gay person, we can never know for sure who has kind intentions in asking if we are gay. Keep in mind that we might have our walls up because of this reason 🙂
Are You Gay? A Question We All Feared
Intentions are very important (and we will get to that), however, even if you are the worlds best ally, the seemingly easy question, “Are you gay?” can bring up traumatizing memories to a gay person. More often than not, gay people have traumatizing memories of being asked this question.
When I was in school I remember hearing the question, “Are you gay?” a lot. Too often it was asked without a good intention, and it seemed to be more of an insult. I remember seeing the cool kids pick on a boy who decided to get dance classes by saying, “Ewww why are you going for dance classes, are you gay or something?” This is cruel and you could bring up these memories by asking someone if they are gay.
When I was little I used to rock this rad long-hair style. The other kids didn’t see it as fashionable, they thought that only girls had long hair. This made me an easy target to be called a girl or gay. When kids asked me, “Are you gay?” I hated it. I always felt so vulnerable and alone. I resorted to answering and reacting in a sarcastic or funny way. This was a self-defensive mechanism that would dissipate the energy and distract from the fact that yes, I was actually gay. To this day, it’s still a bit cringy when straight people who I don’t know very well ask me if I am gay.
The Intention Of Asking
What are the intentions of wanting to know someone’s sexuality? The reason behind this question is very important as it informs tone and intention. In general, there are better ways find out someone’s sexuality without asking “Are you gay?”
Context is everything, to unpack this requires looking at different perspectives. Everyone’s intent will be different, but there are actually very few situations where it is relevant to ask someone about their sexuality.
In some cases you might just be interested or curious about the person’s sexuality. This doesn’t mean that you should go and ask them about it. Their sexual preference is their own business and its up for them to share it with you. If they are openly gay you will find out at some point if they want to share. Who someone has (or wants to have) sex with is a very personal matter. To be frank, it is more often irrelevant than relevant.
When it comes to intentions it’s also good to point out assumptions as well. Just because someone sounds, dresses or behaves a certain way don’t mean they are necessarily gay or straight. Remember to stay open minded that humans come in all different shapes, forms and preferences.
But What If I Want To Date The Person?
If you are trying to date someone, think about a nice way to bring the topic up, rather than straight up asking “Are you gay?” For one, you don’t know how comfortable they are being (openly) gay, so it can put person on the spot. In other cases the person might even not be sure of their own sexual orientation yet, so it could be an overwhelming question.
Crushes are great fun and full of anxiety, especially if you are unsure of what someone’s sexuality is. However, the best way to navigate this space is to start giving this person a bit more attention. For your safety, don’t go full force flirting from the get-go but test the waters. See how they respond to eye contact and spending more time together.
See if you can talk to them one-on-one and get to know them a little better and see what you can learn about them.
Get To Know Them Better Before Asking
If you really want to know someone’s sexuality, ask yourself again why. If the answer is– I want to know this person better– than great, get to know them better. Ask them to hang out.
Before doing anything, it will be helpful to show this person that you are either a supporting ally or queer yourself. Be considerate, if you want to know something about someone else, share about yourself first. This allows the person to feel accepted by you and this will make it easier for this person to open up. Show the person that they can trust you.
Keep in mind that it might take some time to bring up the topic of being an ally or being gay. Randomly bringing up that you are an ally and support the LGBTQ+ community or are gay might be a bit weird. Check yourself to see if it is a relevant moment to bring these conversations up. You can ask questions that are more comfortable to answer like, “Are you dating at the moment?”
In general, talking about your dating life is often a typical conversation. If they feel comfortable enough to open up about their dating life, they might just tell you. Again you can share how things are going with you in your dating life as a way to create trust and confidence in yourself as another gay or ally.
Are You Gay? When To Ask It
Rule of thumb, never ask about someone’s sexuality in front of other people. Try to keep it 1-on-1. This is just common sense. Imagine how you would feel if someone asked you, “Who is the last person you had sex with?” at the lunch table. Wouldn’t that feel a bit intense?
If the conversation comes up organically and someone comes out to you, make them feel safe. You could thank them for telling you or simply be kind. You can always ask them if they are out to others so you know your boundaries with this person. Make sure not to talk about their sexuality to other people without their consent.
Is It Okay To Ask Someone About Their Gender?
In a similar vein to asking about someone’s sexual orientation, you might be in a situation where you are wondering about someones gender identity. Unlike sexual orientation, gender identification is more open and depends on how you reference them. In this case, it is always great to ask someone’s pronouns.
I would avoid asking, “What is your gender,” as this could come off as rude. However, asking, “What pronouns do you prefer,” is a much kinder and polite way to ask. More and more companies and health organizations now allow people to include their preferred pronouns in their emails, letters and profiles. So you might be able to research and find out their preferences without directly asking.
You can always introduce yourself using your pronouns first, this way they can also introduce themselves using their pronouns. This is a great way to be an ally and support the LBGTQAI+ community. It is best not to assume someone’s gender. How you see someone doesn’t necessarily correlate to how they identify themselves.
Conclusion
You might be in a situation where you are wondering if someone is gay. This might be out of curiosity or maybe you are interested in dating them. You might be asking yourself, is it ok for me to ask someone if they are gay. In general, I would advise against it. If you want to know more about someone, then just get to know them more!
