Exciting! You have a first date coming up, so now what? First dates as a gay person can be a bit uncomfortable, especially if you’ve never met your date in-person before. In this blog post I’ll walk you through the best tips and tricks to help you navigate your gay first date conversations so you can impress them into wanting that second date.
First of: What is the expectation?
Before meeting up, it is important that everyone is on the same page. Expectations for a first date can greatly vary for gay men, especially if the initial contact started through dating apps like Grindr, Scruff, or Tinder. Some guys want to get straight to business (in bed) and some prefer to take it slow and build a mutual connection in a public space.
Start by asking your date what they want to do for the first date. If you are on the same page, that’s great. If their expectation is different from yours, don’t hesitate to tell them what you prefer. If your expectation is met with resistance, it will likely not be a match for either of you!
Setting up for success; make a plan
If you are anything like me, you might get a bit anxious by the thought of meeting up with a new person. This is totally normal and I don’t think it ever goes away. Fortunately, after a while you learn to navigate through gay first dates with confidence and can even learn to enjoy them. What helps me calm my mind before a first date is to make a plan.
When deciding what to do for a first date, I generally like to plan something active or outdoors. Going for a walk through the park or shooting some pool are great ways to socialize without the feeling of being interrogated while sitting on opposite sides of a table. It gives you something to do and talk about while having a conversation, and makes awkward silences a bit less awkward.
Another trick that can help you come up with conversation topics is to ask questions over chat that you can use later on during the date. Before your date, go through your message history with them and see if there are any topics that you can bring up which could lead to interesting conversations.
Small-talk that turns into big talk
The start of a first date is generally the hardest, at least for me. This is the stage where small-talk drives the conversation as you each scope each other out. A great way to spark the conversation is to ask your date what they have been up to this week. Open ended questions will allow your date to talk freely and this will give you a lot of options for follow-up questions.
A good example of a conversation starter:
You: What have you been up to this week?
Them: Lots! I’ve been busy with a new project at work and I had some family visiting me.
You: That’s great, where is your family visiting from?
Them: They live in Toronto
You: Oh cool, I’ve never been there but I heard it’s a great city. Is that where you grew up?
It’s equally as important to answer your date’s questions in a way that allows them to follow up on them. Short and close-ended replies will not give your date much information about who you are or what you think and this can cause the natural flow of the conversation to end early.
A example of a good reply:
Them: What is your favourite cuisine?
You: I think my favourite cuisine is japanese. I love how Japanese food is so versatile in this city.
Them: Oh yeah, variety’s the very spice of life! Which Japanese restaurant is your favourite?
What if the conversation falls flat?
There will be times during your date where the conversation falls flat. These moments can feel a bit uncomfortable, but don’t worry they are totally normal and can be seen as the perfect opportunities to bring up topics that are important to you.
Before a date, take a couple of minutes to think about what is important for you to know about the other person. What are your personal values and what do you want your future to be like?
Gay first date conversation topics, the “Do’s”:
Whether the conversation falls flat or you run out of topics to talk about, take a look at these great first date conversation ideas that will spark up a fun conversation and help you create a connection:
Travel
Travel experiences can be very interesting and important to someone, making travel one of my favourite topics to talk about. Example questions to spark a conversation about this topic: What has been your best travel experience so far? Where is the furthest you have travelled? Are you going on a trip anytime soon?
Series and films
With adults in the US watching an average of 3 hours of TV per day there is a big chance you have some overlap in the material that you watched. Some questions to ask: Have you watched any fun shows lately? What is your favourite film?
Places you’ve lived
Did you know that it’s estimated that a person can expect to move 11 times in their lifetime? Talking about places you’ve lived Great ways to get the conversation going: Where did you grow up? How long have you lived here?
Food
Who doesn’t love food?! Talking about food is shown to increase dopamine, so it’s a great topic to bond over. A great question to ask: What are some of your favourite restaurants around here? This might give you some ideas for places to go for your second date!
Music
Almost everyone listens to music so it’s a safe topic to bring up. Perhaps you two have the same taste in music or both like a certain artist. Ways to bring this topic up: Have you been to any concerts lately? What music do you listen to? Who is your favourite artist?
Hobbies
People love to talk about their hobbies, so this is a great way to find out what keeps a person busy in their free time. Example questions: What do you do in your spare time? Are you working on any cool projects?
Ambitions
Ambitions and goals can be very serious topics to talk about, but they don’t have to be. You can keep it simple to find out what motivates a person in their life. Ways to ask about ambitions: What job would you do if money were no object? What is something new you’d like to learn?
Conversation topics to avoid on your gay first date, the don’ts:
Some topics can feel a bit out of place on a first, second or even a third date.
Exes
No matter how good or bad your relationships with your exes were, it is a huge turn-off to talk about an ex during a first date. It’s okay to touch the subject of exes with information about how long you’ve been single, but try to keep the ex-talk as little as possible. You don’t want to seem like you are stuck in the past or have a lot of baggage.
Negativity
No one likes a negative nancy. Try to keep things optimistic and positive. We all know that the pandemic sucked, that the world is rapidly burning, and that the cost of living has gone through the roof, but these are topics that are not fun to talk about.
Politics
Politics is a topic that people can get very passionate and angry about. Conversations about this topic, even if you both share the same opinion, can quickly turn negative.
Me, Myself, and I
Some people, when anxious or nervous, tend to talk about themselves a lot. This usually stems from them trying their best to impress their date. If you catch yourself doing this, take a deep breath and let your date lead the conversation for a while. Impress your date by being a good listener and being genuinely interested in what they are saying.
Sexual preferences
You might have already figured out if your date is a top, vers or a bottom by looking at their Grindr profile, but that doesn’t mean you should bring it up on the first date. This is a personal topic that is best left till you enter the bedroom. Focussing on this topic too early can make it seem like you are only interested in the “bedroom part” of a date.
Coming out experiences
You might be one of the few lucky people who had an easy coming out surrounded by loving family and friends, but this is unfortunately not the case for a lot of people. Bringing up this topic can be very emotional for those who were left with traumas. Some might still be in a difficult situation regarding their queerness with certain family members. It’s best to leave this topic alone for the first couple of dates.
All in all – Go have fun!
A gay first date is exciting and navigating through one in the best way possible will bring a lot of enjoyment and hopefully a second date!. Before your date, make sure that you are on the same level when it comes to expectations. Prepare yourself with conversation topics that are important to you and your date. Ask open-ended questions and don’t be afraid to ask follow-up questions. Show your date that you are a good listener and keep the conversation light, cheerful and positive. But most importantly, have fun with it!
