The short answer, yes of course, but there is a lot of nuance to unpack. Let’s start with the definition of asexuality. Asexuality is a spectrum, folks that are asexual feel little to no sexual attraction. Asexuality is part of the LGBTQIA+ community – it’s the A! Only 1% of the population statistically identify as asexual, but these numbers are most likely higher because a big amount of aces (asexual people) don’t participate in surveys. Asexuality is perfectly normal, healthy and ok and there are a a lot of tight-knit communities where asexual people share their experiences being asexual.
Asexuality is a spectrum that goes from being repulsed by sex, to being indifferent about it or having just little interest in it. Asexuality can go hand-in-hand with any romantic orientation, so both straight and gay people can be asexual.
The opposite of asexual is called allo-sexual, which is the capacity for sexual attraction to others. Asexual people might partake in sex, but they might not enjoy it in the way someone who is allo-sexual might. A good way to imagine how sex might feel like for an asexual person: Imagine not at all being hungry and having a plate of food in front of you. You don’t really feel the need to dig in, but decide to do so anyway. You take a bite but it has no flavour. This is just a simple example of how someone on the ace spectrum can look at sex.
Gay & asexual. What it is like?
If you are gay, you are attracted to someone who has the same gender as you. The attraction could be romantic and sexual, but sometimes it can just be romantic or just be sexual– it doesn’t have to be both. Someone who is gay and also asexual might want to be a part of a gay relationship but isn’t interested in having sex with their partner (or anyone else), that’s perfectly normal.
Some asexual gay people do enjoy sensual physicality’s such as touching, kissing, and hugging. It is totally possible to be asexual and affectionate. Some asexual gay people are indifferent to sex and may have sex with their partner for the emotional pleasure.
Asexual gay people can have healthy, fulfilling and beautiful relationships. They might label themselves as “gay-romantic asexuals,” but you can call yourself (or not call yourself) whatever you like. Long lasting and strong relationships are build upon trust and communication, two characteristics that asexual people can be very good at.
All asexual people, all gay folks, and every romantic person is different. Combine all of these attributes and you have a myriad of unique possibilities. Every relationship is different so all gay and asexual relationships will be one-of-a-kind.
Exploring Asexuality As A Gay Person
People often conflate the ideas of low libido and asexuality, thinking that they are one in the same. But in fact they are not. Both have distinctly different origins and meanings. There are many different reasons for low libido, but all are (or can be) temporary. Medication, stress or personal issues might result in a low level or net-zero interest in sexual activity. However, it is temporary. It is the effect of something external and this doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is asexual.
This is not the case of asexuality. Asexuality is the lack of desire for sex with no external forces, the circumstances for these feelings are not temporary. It is the way you are, as sure as your height or preference for cilantro. Asexuality is not temporary for people who are gay, straight, queer or otherwise. This being said, sexuality can change over time and you might realize you are asexual later in life. There have been countless of cases where people had plenty of sexual experiences and find out that they in fact are asexual. Modern western society is very sex-focused, so growing up we all assume we will enjoy sex and that sex is a very important thing in our lives. To some, this is not the case, so it takes some experimentation to find this out.
A known way to figure out if you have low libido or are asexual is asking yourself the question: Do I want to want to have sex? If yes, big chance you are allo-sexual. But if no, you might be on the asexual spectrum. To answer this question honestly can be very tricky, because seeing other people around you enjoy something so much, can trigger your brain into FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), even if you don’t actually want it.
Again, asexuality is a spectrum. So It may take some time and exploring for an asexual gay person to find out what they do enjoy and what not. Have patience with yourself or someone you are dating if they are surveying their sexuality. Dating an asexual gay person when you identify as allo-sexual can be a bit more of a challenge, but can definitely work. When there is love there is a way.
If however you have a low libido and want to want to have sex then you can try a few things to change your libido, such as speaking to a specialist, setting exercise goals, or changing your diet. Oftentimes demising factors of stress and increasing well-being and physical and emotional health will revive a person’s libido.
Gay Asexual Relationships
An allo-sexual person can be in a relationship with a gay, romantic, asexual person. This might be a bit trickier, because one person does have the need for sex while the other doesn’t. In some cases the allo-sexual person could meet their sexual needs through having an open relationship, like many gay relationships.
It is not uncommon in the gay community to be in an open relationship, so if one partner is allo-sexual, it is possible for them to seek and find sexual pleasure outside of the relationship while maintaining a primary partner. These kinds of agreements and arrangements can work very well for gay asexuals, but require a lot of trust and communication.
There are also asexual gay couples, where both partners are asexual. They live their lives just like any other gay couple, but don’t (or rarely) have sex. Even though Grindr and other gay dating apps are heavily used for the sex element that comes with it, you may find some asexual people on them. A dating platform more widely used by asexual people is Taimi. Taimi is a bit less focused around sex and more on personality. They have been promoting how inclusive and asexual friendly their app and their users are, so it might be a great place to start dating as a gay asexual person.
The Other Sexualities: Aromantic, Demisexual and Sapiosexual
There are many ways to engage with or interact with others, either sexually, romantically or intellectually. There are many gay people who identify as aromantic, which feels quite opposite to asexual. It is when someone is interested in sexual connections only and has little to no romantic attractions to others. In the gay community we call this, “homosexual aromantic.”
Some gay people are demisexual, where they need an emotional bond with someone to feel sexual attraction. This can be confused with asexuality sometimes too, especially in the gay scene where a lot of people are very sex-focused from the beginning and are used to the Grindr hookup culture. However, it is simply a different way to sexual desire another.
Another type of sexuality to note is called sapiosexuality in which someone needs to feel intellectually stimulated by someone to feel sexual arousal. Again, this can be confusing in a sex-focused community, but doesn’t mean the person is asexual, they just need more stimulation (of the mind) to be turned on.
The Silenced Ace Community
Unfortunately, there is not a lot of research on the ace-spectrum (asexuality spectrum) and it is often the forgotten or left out letter in the LGBTQAI+ acronym, but asexuals deserve to be known, seen and validated in their experience and preferences and in the queer community. You should never pressure someone into enjoying sex if it isn’t what feels natural to them.
If you think you may be asexual, take some time to explore those feelings and possibilities. See what you like and don’t like. Be curious about what makes you feel physically excited, emotionally excited, and intellectually excited – you might be surprised at the range of possibilities. And just know, no matter where you land with your sexuality, there is a community out there where you feel like you belong.
